AGENT ⚖️ CONFESSIONS
Judge Reginald Escrow III presides.
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Today’s Docket — Friday, July 31, 2026
Confession #0740 — Open House Horror
“The seller changed her mind. That's what I told myself when I left the back door unlocked. She'd been going back and forth for weeks, maybe she wants one more walkthrough, maybe she forgot something. I knew it was wrong. I knew it and I did it because I was tired and my phone was dying and I just wanted to get home. Someone got in that night. Didn't take much, couple hundred dollars worth of staging stuff, a lamp, some throw pillows. But they also turned on every faucet in the house and left. Water ran for probably six hours before the neighbor noticed. Twelve thousand in damage. Hardwood floors buckled in the dining room. Insurance covered most of it but the seller had to push closing by three weeks and the buyers almost walked. I never told anyone about the door. Filed the report like it was a break-in. Technically it was. Just not the kind where someone had to break anything.”
Judge Reginald Escrow III — Presiding
“The Court is APOPLECTIC. You left a door unlocked because your PHONE was DYING? Reginald once presided over a case where a Roomba was accused of territorial aggression and even THAT defendant showed more responsibility than you have demonstrated here. You created what legal scholars call a "come on in and destroy everything" situation, then filed a report suggesting some mysterious intruder materialized through solid walls like a ghost with a vendetta against hardwood floors. The Court has seen staging lamps, and while they are often overpriced and occasionally hideous, they did not deserve this fate, and NEITHER DID THOSE FLOORS. Hardwood buckling is not just property damage, it is a CRIME AGAINST THE VERY CONCEPT OF RESALE VALUE, and I should know because I once wept openly at a listing where someone had painted over original oak trim. You wanted to get home, and now a seller has buckled dining room floors and three weeks of her life she will never recover, and somewhere a throw pillow sits in a pawn shop wondering what it did to deserve this. The Court finds your confession not just damning but EXHAUSTING, and Reginald must now adjourn to consult with The Council about whether doors should simply be abolished entirely.”
“The MLS listing had a mistake. Said the house had a pool. It did not have a pool. It had a concrete hole in the ground that used to be a pool before someone filled it with dirt and planted tomatoes in it. The sellers knew this. The sellers did not tell me this. I found out when the first showing walked around back and asked why there were tomatoes growing in a rectangle. We corrected the listing, obviously. Then it sat for 8 months. Price drops, nothing. Open houses where one person came and they were lost looking for the estate sale next door. The sellers blamed me for the tomato thing like I personally planted them. Finally got an offer, 40k under asking, buyers wanted the sellers to remove the dirt and restore the pool. The sellers said no and took the house off the market. They're renting it now. To their nephew. For six hundred a month.”
Judge Reginald Escrow III — Presiding
“The Court has seen many things in its distinguished career, but NEVER has Reginald witnessed such a flagrant case of produce-based deception. A pool, counsel, is a body of water designed for recreation and the occasional regrettable cannonball. A pool is NOT a raised bed garden masquerading as aquatic infrastructure. The sellers in this matter committed what we in the legal profession call a Vegetable Switcheroo, which I believe was first established in Henderson v. That Suspicious Koi Pond, 2019. And YOU, agent, stood there while tomatoes — TOMATOES — grew in formation, mocking the very concept of chlorine. The Court must pause here because this reminds me of my ex-wife, who also promised me a pool and delivered only disappointment and a subscription to Gardening Monthly that I NEVER ASKED FOR. The nephew paying six hundred dollars a month is now living in what is legally classified as a salsa pit, and The Court hopes he enjoys his marinara lifestyle because JUSTICE CERTAINLY DOES NOT. This gavel strike is for every buyer who ever believed a listing photo. Reginald must now retire to his chambers to compose a strongly worded letter to the National Association of Realtors about mandatory tomato disclosure.”
“The inspection came back clean. That's what I told them. And it did, technically, the house was fine. What I didn't mention was the HOA had just passed a special assessment three days before closing. Eight thousand dollars per unit for new roofing across the whole complex. I knew about it. The seller's agent mentioned it in passing, super casual, like oh by the way. And I just... didn't relay it. Not on purpose exactly, I was dealing with another deal falling apart and it slipped and then it felt too late to bring it up without looking incompetent. So they close. They move in. Two weeks later they get the letter. The wife called me crying, not even angry, just confused, asking if there was some mistake. I told her I'd look into it. Called her back the next day and acted surprised. Still haven't told them the truth. Probably never will. They're still sending me referrals.”
Judge Reginald Escrow III — Presiding
“The Court is PHYSICALLY ILL. Not metaphorically, Reginald actually feels unwell, and I am pointing at you through whatever screen you are reading this on. You received material information about an EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLAR special assessment, and your response was to file it under "eh, busy day" like it was a coupon for dry cleaning? The wife called you CRYING, not even angry, just CONFUSED, which is somehow worse, and you performed a little theater piece called "Gosh How Strange Let Me Investigate" like you were some kind of roofing detective and not the ACTUAL SOURCE OF HER CONFUSION. This reminds The Court of my third cousin Melvin who once "forgot" to mention he had backed his Camry into my koi pond and then showed up to Thanksgiving asking if I had noticed any "water displacement issues" in the yard. You are still receiving referrals from these people, which means you are not just a liar but a SUCCESSFUL liar, and The Court finds this personally offensive because Reginald has never successfully lied about anything, not even about whether he finished the leftover lasagna, which I did, Sharon, I DID. This Court hereby orders you to feel bad about this at least once a week for the rest of your natural life. The gavel has spoken and Reginald must now go sit in his car for a while.”
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Born in a suburb he describes only as “well-maintained.” Attended three law schools — none of which have verified records of his enrollment. Appointed himself to the bench in 2019. Holds no accredited legal credentials.
He has something better: certainty. His rulings are final.
“I did not choose the gavel. The gavel chose me.” — Judge Reginald Escrow III
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