AGENT ⚖️ CONFESSIONS
Judge Reginald Escrow III presides.
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Today’s Docket — Saturday, May 2, 2026
Confession #0494 — The Listing That Wouldn't Die
“Both parties had signed. Closing was in 12 days. And then the buyer's agent calls me and says her client found out the neighbor has chickens and she's pulling out. Not like a chicken farm, just chickens, maybe 6 chickens in a backyard coop that you can barely see from the property and that had been there the entire time she toured the house three separate times (and I know she saw them because she commented on how cute they were during the second showing, I have witnesses). So we lose the buyer, fine, back on market, get another offer two weeks later, this one's solid, inspections go fine, and then three days before closing the seller calls me crying because she changed her mind and wants to stay because her daughter who lives in Portland said maybe she'd move back eventually and would need somewhere to live. The daughter is 34 and has lived in Portland for 11 years. I had to explain that backing out now meant the $8,000 earnest money situation and possible legal action and she said she'd pray about it and then didn't answer her phone for two days. We closed. The daughter did not move back. That listing took 9 months and I made $4,200 after the split and honestly the chickens weren't even that loud.”
Judge Reginald Escrow III — Presiding
“The Court has reviewed this confession and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the audacity of everyone involved except the chickens, who frankly conducted themselves with more professionalism than any human in this transaction. Let Reginald be absolutely clear: a buyer who compliments livestock as "cute" on showing number two does NOT get to claim fowl-based duress twelve days before closing, and this Court cites the landmark decision of Henderson v. Six Reasonably Quiet Hens, 2019, in which it was established that "if you coo at it, you cannot sue over it." As for the seller and her phantom Portland daughter, The Court has seen this exact delusion approximately four hundred times, and it is ALWAYS a daughter, it is ALWAYS Portland, and she is NEVER coming back because she has a pottery collective and a situationship with someone named River and she does not want to live in her mother's split-level, YOUR HONOR HAS SEEN THINGS. Nine months of your life, agent, NINE MONTHS, for forty-two hundred dollars, which after taxes and therapy barely covers the emotional labor of explaining earnest money to someone who responds with "I'll pray about it" and then goes INTO HIDING. The chickens were not even that loud and yet somehow they are the only parties in this matter who understood commitment. Reginald must now go lie down because this case has awakened memories of a listing involving a woman, her estranged son in Austin, and a koi pond, and The Court is not prepared to revisit that trauma today.”
“Her husband got involved. That's when I knew we were done. The HOA had sent a violation letter about the fence height being 8 inches too tall and my seller, instead of just trimming the damn fence, she forwarded it to her husband who's an attorney (not real estate, something corporate, I don't know, mergers) and he wrote a 12-page response citing case law from like 1987 and now the HOA board president won't return my calls because she says she's "been advised not to engage" which means they have their own lawyer now. The buyer's lender needs HOA certification to close. The HOA won't certify anything while there's an "open dispute" which there wasn't until the letter. The fence was installed by the previous owner in 2019 and nobody said anything for 5 years but now suddenly it's structural noncompliance and the fine is $200 a month retroactive which they're calculating from when they "discovered" it meaning the day they sent the letter so really just $200 but the husband is fighting it on principle and the buyer's rate lock expires Thursday. I called him directly and he said "I will not be bullied by a volunteer board" and I said sir I just need you to cut 8 inches off a fence and he hung up on me.”
Judge Reginald Escrow III — Presiding
“Let the record show that this Court has presided over many disputes involving husbands who should have stayed in their lane, but THIS, this is a masterwork of self-destruction that Reginald himself could not have authored in his darkest hours. Your seller's husband, a MERGERS attorney, has merged this transaction directly into a ditch because he could not tolerate a volunteer board suggesting his fence was 8 inches too ambitious. EIGHT INCHES. The Court once had a neighbor who disputed a property line by 3 inches and I told him Gary if you have this much energy maybe finish your divorce first, and he did not speak to me for 2 years which honestly was fine. You stood there watching a corporate lawyer cite 1987 case law at a woman named probably Brenda who just wanted the fence shorter, and you thought what, that this would resolve itself? The buyer's rate lock expires THURSDAY and this man is treating a $200 fine like it is Brown v. Board of Education. You should have taken the seller aside on day one and explained that principle is a luxury for people who are not under contract, but instead you let this man fax his manifesto to a community pool committee and now everyone has lawyers except apparently you. The Court finds that you are guilty of standing near a dumpster fire with a clipboard while mumbling about timelines. Order, my Roomba bailiff, will now escort this confession to the archive while Reginald goes to lie down because this has genuinely upset him.”
“The open house went fine. Good traffic, two serious buyers, we're moving. Then she calls me that night and says she's taking the house off market because she wants to repaint the kitchen. Not before listing. After three weeks on market. After we already dropped the price once. "It's too yellow," she says. "People keep commenting on the yellow." Nobody commented on the yellow. I was at every showing. Not one person said yellow. She repaints it gray. Takes her 12 days because she's doing it herself. We come back on market, one of the serious buyers already bought something else. The other one comes back, offers 15 under asking now because "the market shifted." She calls me furious. "Why did they lowball us?" Because you took your house off market for almost two weeks to fix a problem that didn't exist, Barbara. That's why. She didn't take the offer. Still sitting there. Gray kitchen and all.”
Judge Reginald Escrow III — Presiding
“The Court has reviewed this testimony and finds itself PERSONALLY VICTIMIZED by Barbara's paint-based psychosis. Let the record reflect that in seventeen years of presiding over real estate disputes — and I include the time I adjudicated a bird bath placement controversy from my sister's patio — Reginald has never witnessed such a flagrant case of self-inflicted market sabotage. You had TWO SERIOUS BUYERS, Agent. TWO. That is approximately two more than most agents see in a fiscal quarter, and you let Barbara waltz off into a twelve-day gray paint fever dream because she invented comments about yellow that NEVER HAPPENED. This Court cites the landmark decision in Sherwin-Williams v. A Lady Who Should Have Just Sold Her House, 2019, which clearly established that seller-initiated color emergencies during active showing periods constitute grounds for immediate intervention. You should have told Barbara that the only thing yellow about that kitchen was her commitment to closing. Instead you let her repaint, lose a buyer, and now she sits in her gray kitchen like Miss Havisham if Miss Havisham had opinions about backsplashes. The Court must now adjourn because I am having feelings about a breakfast nook renovation I was never consulted on.”
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Born in a suburb he describes only as “well-maintained.” Attended three law schools — none of which have verified records of his enrollment. Appointed himself to the bench in 2019. Holds no accredited legal credentials.
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