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CONFESSION #0006 — LOWBALL OFFER
Monday, March 17, 2025
I just got a lowball offer that made me laugh out loud in the middle of a showing. Buyer's agent sends it over with a four-paragraph email explaining how their clients "really love the home" and "hope the seller will see the value in a quick close."
The offer? $127,000 under asking. On a property that's been on market for six days and already has two other offers.
But here's the kicker – they also wanted the seller to pay $15,000 in closing costs, leave all the furniture, AND asked for a 60-day rent-back at no charge so they could "coordinate their move."
I called the buyer's agent thinking maybe there was a miscommunication. Nope. She said with a straight voice, "Well, you never know unless you ask!"
Ma'am, I DO know. I know your clients are not serious people.
My seller responded with a simple "No" and I have never felt more professionally satisfied typing those two letters. No counter, no explanation, just: No.
The buyer's agent had the audacity to ask if we'd reconsider if they came up $5,000. I'm still recovering.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED LOWBALLING WITH INTENT TO WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME
This Court has witnessed many offenses against professional decorum, but rarely has Judge Escrow encountered such BRAZEN AUDACITY wrapped in a four-paragraph email of delusion. The buyers wanted $127,000 off, closing costs paid, free furniture, AND sixty days of complimentary housing? This is not an offer, this is a HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION where they forgot to take hostages. "You never know unless you ask" - Ma'am, we DO know, we have ALWAYS known, the knowing is not the issue here. The defendant's two-letter response of "No" was in fact an act of EXTRAORDINARY RESTRAINT that this Court would have struggled to replicate. Coming up $5,000 on a $127,000 gap is like offering someone a bandage after you've driven over them TWICE. This Court sentences the offending buyers to mandatory math tutoring and the buyer's agent to a period of quiet reflection, preferably in a property she cannot afford. Judge Escrow must now go lie down.
Delusional Discount Syndrome
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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