Advertisement
CONFESSION #0010 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Friday, March 21, 2025
I showed a couple 47 houses over four months. Forty-seven. I kept a spreadsheet because I knew no one would believe me. After every single showing, they'd find one dealbreaker. Too close to a busy road. Too far from a busy road. Backyard faces west. Backyard doesn't get enough sun. Kitchen island is too small. Kitchen island makes the space feel cramped. I started to wonder if I was being pranked.
Finally, they found "the one." We put in an offer, got it accepted, and I genuinely teared up in my car. Then three days before closing, they backed out because the husband "had a dream that the house was haunted" and the wife "got a weird feeling from the pantry."
They asked if I'd be willing to start fresh with them next spring. I told them I was transitioning out of residential real estate. I'm not. I just can't do this again. My therapist says I've made real progress in setting boundaries. I'm choosing to believe that counts as a win.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED SPECTRAL PANTRY ABANDONMENT AND FORTY-SEVEN COUNTS OF HOPE DESTRUCTION
This Court has presided over many travesties but FORTY-SEVEN HOUSES and then a HAUNTED DREAM and a WEIRD PANTRY FEELING? The husband had a DREAM? Judge Escrow has dreams too, counsel, last night I dreamed I was a hammock made of cheese and yet HERE I SIT, fulfilling my judicial duties, not backing out of legally binding agreements because of NOCTURNAL DAIRY VISIONS. The wife got a weird feeling from the pantry. THE PANTRY. A room whose sole purpose is to store canned goods and stale crackers has now become a spiritual battleground. This Court finds that these buyers were never searching for a home, they were searching for a reason to keep searching, and you, dear confessor, were merely the sacrificial sherpa carrying their emotional baggage up forty-seven different driveways. Your therapist is correct. Your boundary is valid. Judge Escrow must adjourn immediately as I am experiencing what can only be described as a weird feeling from my own chambers.
Pantry Poltergeist Plea
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
Advertisement