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CONFESSION #0026 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Sunday, April 6, 2025
I had a buyer and seller who'd agreed on everything. Price, closing date, even which appliances were staying. We were two weeks out, smooth sailing. Then the buyer's agent calls me and casually mentions her client wants to do a "final walkthrough" early. Fine, whatever. Except during this walkthrough, the buyer notices the seller had taken down a decorative mirror in the hallway. Not a fixture. A mirror she'd hung with a Command strip. The buyer loses it. Says it leaves a "psychological hole" in the space and demands $3,000 off the price to "restore the energy of the home." My seller, who is already stressed about her move, fires back that she'll give them exactly nothing and maybe they should buy some sage instead. Three days of heated negotiations over a fifteen-dollar mirror from HomeGoods. The buyer ultimately walked because, and I quote, "the seller's energy is now embedded in the walls." I had to explain to my broker why a done deal evaporated over wall decor and vibes. Poured myself a very large glass of wine that night.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF WITNESSING METAPHYSICAL WARFARE OVER A COMMAND STRIP ADHESIVE
This Court has seen many things in its distinguished and entirely legitimate tenure, but never has it beheld such a catastrophic collision between retail home goods and SPIRITUAL REAL ESTATE THEORY. The buyer demanded three thousand dollars to "restore the energy of the home" when the actual energy vampire was clearly the buyer themselves, draining all sanity from the transaction like some kind of escrow poltergeist. Judge Escrow must note that "psychological holes" are NOT covered under standard home inspection contingencies, and frankly the seller's suggestion regarding sage was the most practical advice offered in this entire debacle. The Court finds the accused agent guilty only of being trapped between two adults who apparently believe drywall has feelings. Your wine was justified. Your broker's confusion was earned. This Court needs to lie down because the walls of this courtroom are now STARING AT ME and I fear their energy has been compromised by this testimony.
Feng Shui Fiasco
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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