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CONFESSION #0028 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Tuesday, April 8, 2025
I showed a couple 47 houses over three months. Forty-seven. I kept a tally in my Notes app because I knew I'd need proof someday that I'm not insane. After every showing, they'd find one fatal flaw. Too close to a busy street. Too far from a busy street. Kitchen too small. Kitchen too big and they'd "feel lost cooking." Backyard faced the wrong direction for their morning meditation practice.
Finally, they found THE ONE. Perfect in every way. They were ready to make an offer. I was mentally spending my commission on a long overdue vacation.
Then the wife asked me to check what year the neighbors' cars were. She walked the street and reported back that someone three doors down had a 2009 Honda Civic in their driveway, and she "couldn't live near people who don't prioritize vehicle upkeep."
They're still looking. I'm still their agent because I'm apparently a glutton for punishment and also they promised to refer me to their friends. Their friends who I'm now certain are exactly like them.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF VEHICULAR PROXIMITY DISCRIMINATION IN THE FIRST DEGREE
This Court has presided over many atrocities but the 2009 Honda Civic Incident shall be carved into the marble of judicial infamy. FORTY-SEVEN HOUSES. Judge Escrow himself once walked through forty-seven rooms of his own courthouse looking for a suitable chamber and even HE eventually sat down. The confession states the wife conducted a STREET CENSUS of neighboring vehicles as if she were some sort of automotive HOA enforcer dispatched from the hellmouth. A 2009 Civic is a PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE VEHICLE that has likely outlasted three of this couple's previous convictions about what they actually want in life. The agent remains shackled to these people by the false promise of referrals to their friends, whom this Court can only assume will reject homes based on the mailman's posture or the perceived emotional state of nearby squirrels. This Court must adjourn immediately as Judge Escrow feels a migraine forming behind his left eye that can only be cured by screaming into a decorative pillow.
Civic Duty Dereliction
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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