This Court has witnessed many indignities visited upon the hardworking agents of this nation, but today we confront something truly GROTESQUE: the transformation of a Sunday open house into what can only be described as a free-range human zoo with complimentary bedding. The blanket woman—and Judge Escrow refuses to dignify her with any other title—committed what this Court recognizes as Premeditated Cozy Trespass, a crime so brazen that I must pause to collect myself. You spent two hundred American dollars so that a stranger could critique your cookie selection while a child canonballed into a pool you do not own and a dog DESECRATED throw pillows that had LIVES ahead of them. The gentleman who "likes seeing how other people live" is not a buyer, counsel—he is a documentarian of your suffering. This Court hereby sentences the entire concept of open houses to mandatory pre-approval verification and finds you guilty only of optimism, which in this market is its own punishment. I need to lie down now but NOT on anyone's staged bed.