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CONFESSION #0054 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Sunday, May 4, 2025
I showed a couple 23 houses over four months. They found something wrong with every single one. Too much natural light. Not enough natural light. The neighbors had a boat in the driveway. The street name sounded "unlucky." One house they rejected because the previous owners had left a crucifix on the wall and they took it as a "sign." Finally, they found a place they loved. Perfect layout, great schools, under budget. We put in an offer, got it accepted, did the inspection, everything was golden. Three days before closing, the wife calls me sobbing. She'd driven by at night and saw the house across the street had a ring doorbell camera pointed in their direction. She was convinced the neighbors would spy on them. They backed out and lost their earnest money. Two weeks later, they texted asking if I could show them that same house again because they "overreacted." It had already sold. They blamed me for not holding it for them. We're still working together because apparently I hate myself.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF ENABLING SERIAL HOUSE REJECTION SYNDROME IN THE FIRST DEGREE
This Court has seen many forms of self-destruction but VOLUNTARILY CONTINUING TO WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE suggests the defendant requires immediate psychiatric evaluation. Twenty-three houses. TWENTY-THREE. The street name sounded "unlucky." A CRUCIFIX WAS A SIGN. Judge Escrow must take a moment to collect himself. You are not a real estate agent, you are a hostage with a commission structure, and this Court is DEEPLY CONCERNED that you have developed some form of professional Stockholm Syndrome. The Ring doorbell camera complaint is actually the most reasonable objection they made and that should TERRIFY YOU. When they asked you to "hold" a house they had already rejected, this Court believes you should have responded by flinging your phone into the nearest body of water and assuming a new identity. The fact that you are STILL showing them properties means either you have lost all survival instincts or you genuinely believe suffering builds character. It does not. Judge Escrow must adjourn immediately as he feels a rage migraine forming behind his left eye.
Hostage With Commission
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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