Advertisement
CONFESSION #0055 — SELLER MELTDOWN
Monday, May 5, 2025
My seller lost it because the buyers asked for a $500 credit for a loose doorknob. Five hundred dollars. On a $620,000 sale. You'd think they'd asked for her firstborn child and the family heirloom china. She called me screaming that these buyers were "nickel-and-diming criminals" and she refused to "be taken advantage of." I gently reminded her that she'd already agreed to $8,000 in other repairs without blinking. Didn't matter. This was "the principle of the thing." She wanted to counter by removing the washer and dryer she'd previously agreed to include. I had to explain that nuking a six-figure deal over what amounts to a nice dinner out was perhaps not the power move she thought it was. Three hours of phone calls. My blood pressure medication working overtime. Her husband texting me separately asking me to "just handle her." She finally agreed to the credit after I calculated that her mortgage on her new place was costing her $127 per day while we argued about this. Sometimes you just have to do the math slowly, out loud, like you're explaining it to a toddler.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF DOORKNOB-INDUCED FINANCIAL DEMENTIA IN THE FIRST DEGREE
This Court has witnessed many breakdowns in human reasoning but THIS confession reveals a seller who apparently believes $500 represents some kind of moral Rubicon while $8,000 in previous concessions was merely casual Tuesday spending. The mathematics here are not difficult and yet THIS WOMAN required three hours of telephonic therapy to grasp what a calculator could accomplish in four seconds. Judge Escrow finds himself deeply moved by the husband's desperate text asking you to "just handle her" which suggests this man has been doing battlefield mathematics in his marriage for YEARS. The toddler-paced mortgage explanation was not merely justified but was in fact a public service that should qualify for continuing education credits. This Court hereby sentences the seller to carry a loose doorknob in her purse for thirty days as a reminder that principles have a price and hers was apparently $127 daily plus the collective sanity of everyone in her contacts list. The Court must now lie down.
SCANDAL RATING: 6.8/10 Principled Poverty Syndrome

Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.

Submit Anonymously → Subscribe to the Newsletter
Advertisement

← Back to the Full Docket