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CONFESSION #0065 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Thursday, May 15, 2025
I showed a buyer couple 47 houses over eight months. Forty-seven. I kept a spreadsheet. They found something wrong with every single one. Too close to a fire station. Too far from a fire station. Neighbor had a boat in the driveway. Kitchen faced east instead of west. One house they loved until they noticed the street name had thirteen letters in it and that was "a sign." Last week they texted me a Zillow link at 11 PM asking if I could show them a place first thing tomorrow morning. I rearranged my entire schedule, drove 45 minutes to meet them, and waited in the driveway for twenty minutes before getting a text that said "actually we decided to take a break from looking for a while." Three days later I saw them at a coffee shop with another agent. I'm not even mad anymore. I'm genuinely impressed by their commitment to wasting human time. It's almost an art form at this point.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF ENDURING SERIAL TIME THEFT WITH SUSPICIOUS GRACE
This Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself PHYSICALLY ILL at the magnitude of temporal larceny described herein. Forty-seven houses. FORTY-SEVEN. The Confessor maintained a SPREADSHEET, which this Court finds both admirably organized and deeply concerning as evidence of psychological deterioration. A street name with thirteen letters? Judge Escrow III once dismissed a case because the defendant's attorney blinked in a pattern he found "arithmetically suspicious," so this Court understands superstition, but even THIS BENCH has limits. The Confessor claims to feel no anger, only "genuine impression" at their tormentors' artistry, and this Court must note that such serenity following eight months of systematic abuse suggests either enlightenment or a complete break from reality. The other agent they were spotted with will learn. Oh, they will learn. This Court sentences the buyers to eternally circle a cul-de-sac where every house number contains the digit seven, and awards the Confessor forty-seven minutes of uninterrupted screaming into any pillow of their choosing. The Court must adjourn immediately as Judge Escrow III feels his left eye beginning to twitch.
SCANDAL RATING: 7.8/10 Spreadsheet of Sorrows

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