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CONFESSION #0070 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Tuesday, May 20, 2025
I spent three months with a buyer who rejected every single property because of "the energy." Not the layout, not the price, not the schools. The energy. She'd walk in, close her eyes for thirty seconds, and announce whether the house had "witnessed trauma." One perfectly renovated colonial was rejected because she felt "a lingering sadness in the breakfast nook." A stunning mid-century modern was a no because the backyard "had been a place of arguments." I finally found her a new construction home, brand new, never lived in, thinking we were golden. She rejected it because the land itself had "unresolved grief from before the development." I asked her what would work. She said she'd know when she felt it. Last week she texted me that she's putting her search on hold because Mercury is in retrograde and it's not a good time for major decisions. I've shown her 29 houses. Twenty-nine. I'm going to need Mercury to pay my car payment.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF SPIRITUAL HOSTAGE-TAKING IN THE FIRST DEGREE
This Court has witnessed many crimes against the hardworking professionals of the real estate industry, but this confession reveals a buyer who has weaponized the ENTIRE METAPHYSICAL REALM against one innocent agent's commission checks. Twenty-nine houses, each presumably containing walls, floors, and reasonable square footage, rejected because the BREAKFAST NOOK was SAD. The Court notes that all breakfast nooks are sad, that is simply the nature of eating cereal alone at 7 AM, and this does not constitute grounds for property rejection. When a brand new construction home built on land that has never seen human habitation is rejected for "unresolved grief from before the development," we are no longer discussing real estate, we are discussing a client who would reject the surface of Mars because she sensed THE DUST HAD KNOWN LONELINESS. And now Mercury, a planet that has never once made a mortgage payment, gets to decide when this agent eats. Judge Escrow must adjourn as he feels a lingering sadness in his own chambers and frankly it is coming from THIS FILE.
Cosmic Buyer Terrorism
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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