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CONFESSION #0071 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Wednesday, May 21, 2025
I spent six weeks working with a buyer who insisted she needed a "blank canvas" to make her own. No updates, no personality, just builder-grade everything. Fine. I found her twelve perfect candidates—beige walls, basic fixtures, zero charm. She rejected every single one because they "lacked character." When I gently pointed out that character and blank canvas are literally opposites, she told me I clearly didn't understand her vision. Last week she bought a fully renovated farmhouse with exposed brick, custom built-ins, and hand-painted tile in the kitchen. She texted me after closing to say she's "so excited to strip it all out and start fresh." I actually had to put my phone down and take a walk around the block. That gorgeous kitchen that someone poured their heart into? Gone. The built-ins? Dumpster. I'm convinced she just enjoys watching me slowly lose my mind. My therapist says I need to stop taking it personally. My therapist also doesn't work on commission.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF ENABLING ARCHITECTURAL VANDALISM WHILE SUFFERING COMMISSION-BASED STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
This Court has witnessed many horrors from the bench, but the premeditated destruction of hand-painted tile to achieve a "blank canvas" that the buyer EXPLICITLY REJECTED TWELVE TIMES constitutes a crime against both logic and craftsmanship. The accused agent is guilty of excessive patience in the face of weapons-grade cognitive dissonance. Judge Escrow himself once represented a client who wanted "something unique but also exactly like everyone else's" and the Court still wakes up screaming about it. Your therapist is correct that you shouldn't take it personally, but your therapist also bills hourly regardless of whether you achieve emotional closing, so perhaps their advice lacks certain market pressures. The fact that someone's beloved kitchen will become landfill because a woman needed six weeks to discover she doesn't know what words mean is the kind of tragedy that makes Judge Escrow want to establish a licensing requirement for the verb "to envision." This Court must adjourn immediately as I feel my blood pressure achieving heights that even premium listings cannot reach.
Blank Canvas Butchery
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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