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CONFESSION #0072 — LOWBALL OFFER
Thursday, May 22, 2025
I received a lowball offer last week that was so insulting I genuinely thought it was a typo. We're listed at $485,000 and these buyers came in at $310,000. Not a fixer-upper. Not a distressed sale. A beautifully updated home in a desirable neighborhood. Their agent's cover letter said they "really loved the property" and were "motivated buyers." Motivated to do what exactly? Waste everyone's time? My seller wanted me to respond with just a laughing emoji, which honestly felt appropriate. But I'm a professional, so I called the buyer's agent to see if there was some misunderstanding. Nope. They said their clients "don't believe in paying market value" and wanted to "start a conversation." Sir, this is not a negotiation, this is performance art. We countered at full asking just to make a point. They acted offended. I've been doing this for nine years and I still don't understand people who tour homes they can't afford and then blame the seller for pricing it correctly. The audacity is genuinely impressive.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF THEATRICAL EXASPERATION IN THE FACE OF MATHEMATICAL DELUSION
The Court has reviewed this confession and finds the defendant GUILTY of harboring entirely reasonable frustration while maintaining a facade of professional courtesy that this Court finds both admirable and deeply suspicious. Let the record show that offering $310,000 on a $485,000 home is not "starting a conversation," it is ENDING one before it begins, much like walking into a restaurant and offering to pay for your steak with a firm handshake and good vibes. The buyer's agent's assertion that their clients "don't believe in paying market value" suggests these individuals also do not believe in gravity, dental hygiene, or the binding nature of mathematics. This Court has presided over many delusions but rarely one so AGGRESSIVE in its wrongness. The defendant is sentenced to one more year of pretending the laughing emoji response would have been unprofessional when we ALL know it would have been poetry. Judge Escrow must now lie down.
Arithmetic Denial Syndrome
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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