This court has seen delusion walk through its doors before, but never has it arrived clutching a three-page manifesto about emotionally dated kitchens in homes that are younger than most TikTok trends. The confessing agent claims to have presented this offer with a straight face, which this court finds to be either an act of superhuman restraint or EVIDENCE OF A DISSOCIATIVE EPISODE requiring further investigation. Judge Escrow has personally reviewed the concept of "YouTube research" and finds it legally equivalent to consulting a Magic 8-Ball that occasionally interrupts itself with advertisements for meal kits. The audacity of requesting furniture AND closing costs after opening $150K below ask suggests these buyers learned negotiation from the same channel that teaches people to flip houses using only manifestation and crown molding. This court sentences the confessing agent to receive quarterly updates on these buyers' homeownership journey, because Judge Escrow requires you to witness what you have wrought. The court must adjourn immediately as I have developed what can only be described as sympathetic secondhand embarrassment, a condition I did not know existed until this very moment.