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CONFESSION #0076 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Monday, May 26, 2025
I had a deal fall apart three days before closing because the buyer's lender suddenly decided they needed documentation for a $200 gift deposit from two years ago. Two years. The buyer's grandmother had given them money for their birthday, and now we needed a signed letter from an 87-year-old woman in assisted living confirming it wasn't a secret loan. We got the letter. Then they wanted bank statements from grandma. Then they wanted to know why the check was written for $200 and not a round number like $250. I don't know, maybe grandma thought $200 WAS a round number?? The seller had already scheduled movers. The buyer had given notice at their apartment. I spent four days playing detective trying to reconstruct the financial history of a birthday gift that wouldn't even cover a decent couch. The deal finally collapsed when the underwriter went on vacation and nobody else would touch the file. I now tell every single client to keep records of every dollar that enters their account, even if their kid sells a bicycle. Especially if their kid sells a bicycle.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF FIRST-DEGREE DOCUMENTATION DEMENTIA AND AGGRAVATED GRANDMOTHER HARASSMENT
This Court has witnessed many atrocities in its tenure, but the systematic interrogation of an 87-year-old woman over TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS stretches the very fabric of what we call civilization. Judge Escrow must ask: what kind of institutional rot leads grown professionals to demand bank statements from someone in assisted living because they had the AUDACITY to love their grandchild in non-round-number increments? The Court finds the underwriter's convenient vacation to be nothing short of cowardice masquerading as PTO. You, Agent, are guilty only of surviving this bureaucratic hostage situation, but this Court CANNOT forgive the fact that somewhere out there, children are now being coached to notarize their lemonade stand revenues. The grandmother shall be awarded damages in the form of never being contacted about anything financial ever again. This Court needs to lie down.
The Grandma Inquisition
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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