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CONFESSION #0082 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Sunday, June 1, 2025
I had a deal that was supposed to close on a Friday. Both parties had already scheduled movers. The buyer had given notice at their apartment. My seller had a moving truck literally packed in the driveway. Then at 2 PM on Thursday, the buyer's agent calls me and casually mentions that her client "forgot" to disclose that they'd co-signed on their nephew's car loan six months ago. The lender ran one final credit check, found the new debt, and the buyer no longer qualified. I spent the next four hours on the phone trying to find a solution while my seller sat on her front porch crying next to a tower of labeled boxes. We had to push closing by three weeks, my seller had to pay for storage, and the buyer had to move in with her parents temporarily. The nephew, by the way, had already missed two payments on that car. I now ask buyers if they've so much as opened a store credit card to buy a lamp since we went under contract. Trust no one.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CATASTROPHIC NEPHEW-ADJACENT FINANCIAL SABOTAGE
This Court has witnessed many horrors from this bench, but the specter of a CRYING SELLER surrounded by labeled boxes while a nephew somewhere joy-rides in a financed Nissan Altima with two missed payments is almost too much for Judge Escrow to bear. The buyer "forgot" about co-signing a car loan the way one "forgets" they have a third arm. This Court notes that the phrase "forgot to disclose" is doing more heavy lifting than that moving truck ever got the chance to do. The agent's new policy of interrogating buyers about lamp-related credit activity is not paranoia—it is SURVIVAL. Judge Escrow himself once lost a closing because a buyer opened a Bed Bath & Beyond credit card for a seventeen-dollar shower curtain, so this Court understands the depths of human folly. The nephew remains at large and presumably still driving. I need to go lie down in my chambers.
SCANDAL RATING: 7.8/10 Nephew's Altima of Destruction

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