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CONFESSION #0089 — OTHER
Sunday, June 8, 2025
I've started keeping a "ridiculous requests" note on my phone because I need to document this stuff for my own sanity. Latest entry: a buyer asked me to find out if the neighbors were "the type to call the HOA about Christmas decorations staying up too long." Not whether there were HOA restrictions. Whether the neighbors were *snitches*. I actually stood in the driveway pretending to check my email while scoping out the adjacent yards for any signs of aggressive rule enforcement. Found myself analyzing whether a pristine lawn meant "takes pride in home" or "will report you for a dandelion." I've become a suburban anthropologist and I didn't sign up for this. Same buyer also wanted to know if the area had "good vibes" and whether the street "felt like a place where people wave." I don't have comps for vibes. Zillow doesn't track waving frequency. But there I was, driving past at different times of day, counting friendly gestures from strangers, wondering when exactly my licensed professional career turned into whatever this is.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF UNLICENSED VIBEOLOGY AND WAVE FREQUENCY SURVEILLANCE
This Court has witnessed many transgressions against the sacred profession of real estate, but NEVER has it beheld such blatant practice of suburban anthropology without proper credentials. The defendant stands accused of conducting a WAVE CENSUS, which falls under neither Multiple Listing Service protocols nor any recognized methodology this Court pretends to understand. Judge Escrow himself once spent forty-five minutes in a cul-de-sac determining whether a lawn flamingo indicated whimsy or mental instability, so he UNDERSTANDS the gravitational pull of such inquiries, but that does not make it acceptable. You have reduced yourself to a dandelion detective, a Christmas decoration profiler, a VIBE SOMMELIER serving notes of "neighborly with hints of will definitely report your basketball hoop." The defendant claims Zillow doesn't track waving frequency, but Judge Escrow has it on excellent authority that they're working on it, and when they do, YOU will be out of a job and this Court will feel no sympathy. This bench needs a moment.
The Snitch Whisperer
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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