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CONFESSION #0090 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Monday, June 9, 2025
I had a deal fall apart because of a garden gnome. Yes, you read that right. We were two weeks from closing, inspection done, appraisal done, everything smooth. Then my buyer decides to do a "casual drive-by" and notices the sellers removed this ugly concrete gnome from the front yard. Suddenly it's a crisis. "What else did they take? Are they hiding something? I don't trust them anymore."
I called the listing agent. Turns out the gnome was a family heirloom and the sellers took it to their new place early. Completely within their rights since it was never in the contract as included.
But my buyer spiraled. Started questioning the roof age, the HVAC maintenance, whether the neighbors seemed "too quiet" during showings. Within 48 hours, they wanted to back out entirely, claiming they'd "lost confidence in the integrity of the transaction."
Over a gnome.
I still think about the listing agent's voice when I had to deliver that news. The silence lasted so long I thought the call dropped. It didn't. She was just processing the same disbelief I was feeling.
That gnome haunts me.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF GNOME-INDUCED TRANSACTION COLLAPSE AND FAILURE TO MANAGE CERAMIC LAWN ORNAMENT EXPECTATIONS
This Court has witnessed many things in its distinguished tenure but NEVER has it beheld such a spectacular unraveling of human reason over what amounts to a painted concrete dwarf. The accused agent stands before us having allowed an entire transaction to be murdered by a buyer who apparently believed a garden gnome was load-bearing to their trust in the American real estate system. This Court must ask: at what point did the agent not simply drive to a garden center, purchase a replacement gnome, and place it in the yard under cover of darkness? THIS IS BASIC GNOME PROTOCOL. The listing agent's silence on that call was not disbelief, it was the sound of her soul leaving her body, and this Court relates to that profoundly. Judge Escrow himself once lost a case over a decorative rooster weathervane and required six weeks of recovery. The haunting is deserved. The gnome won.
Gnomicide By Buyer
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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