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CONFESSION #0105 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Tuesday, June 24, 2025
I had a deal under contract for 47 days. Forty-seven days of inspections, appraisals, repair negotiations, and more lender document requests than I thought humanly possible. We were three days from closing. THREE DAYS. The buyers had already scheduled their movers. The sellers had boxes stacked in every room.
Then the buyer's mom came to do a "final walkthrough" while her son was at work. She decided the neighborhood "didn't feel safe" because she saw a teenager skateboarding. A teenager. On a skateboard. In a cul-de-sac.
She called her son crying, convinced him he was making the biggest mistake of his life, and he backed out that night. Forfeited his earnest money and everything. The sellers were devastated. I was devastated. My mortgage payment was devastated.
I saw that same buyer two months later at a coffee shop. He told me he's "ready to start looking again" but wants to find something "his mom would approve of." I smiled, said I'd be in touch, and then drove home to scream into a pillow for eleven minutes straight.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL MATERNAL INTERFERENCE IN THE FIRST DEGREE
This court has witnessed many atrocities but NONE so vile as the Skateboarding Teenager Incident of whatever godforsaken month this occurred. Judge Escrow must pause to collect himself. A cul-de-sac. A CUL-DE-SAC. The architectural formation LITERALLY DESIGNED to prevent through traffic and criminal activity. This mother saw a child engaging in recreational transportation and concluded she was witnessing the fall of civilization. The buyer then had the AUDACITY to approach you in a coffee shop, a PUBLIC VENUE, and suggest you might help him find housing that meets his mother's standards, which apparently require zero evidence of human youth existing within a three-mile radius. You screamed into a pillow for eleven minutes and this court rules that was INSUFFICIENT. The sellers had BOXES. They had MOVERS SCHEDULED. Judge Escrow sentences you to never answer that man's calls and to bill him spiritually for the therapy you clearly need. This court is adjourned because I need to go lie down.
Skateboard of Destruction
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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