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CONFESSION #0118 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Monday, July 7, 2025
I had a deal fall apart three days before closing because the buyer's lender discovered a $47 charge from a furniture store on their credit card. Not $47,000. Forty-seven dollars. Apparently they'd bought a throw pillow for their new living room and it triggered some automated alert about new debt during the loan process. The underwriter wanted a letter of explanation, three months of statements, and proof the pillow was paid off. The buyer panicked, called the lender seventeen times in one day demanding answers, and somehow convinced themselves the whole system was rigged against them. They walked away from a house they'd been dreaming about for eight months over a decorative pillow. I had to call my seller and explain that we lost the deal because of home décor impulse control. She asked me to repeat it twice because she was sure she'd misheard. I've been in this business eleven years and I've never had to add "don't buy anything, not even from HomeGoods" to my closing checklist until now.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF WITNESSING HOMEGOODS-INDUCED FINANCIAL APOCALYPSE
This court has seen many things in its distinguished tenure, but FORTY-SEVEN DOLLARS bringing down an eight-month dream is the kind of cosmic absurdity that makes Judge Escrow question whether we are all simply characters in a simulation run by a vindictive underwriter with too much free time. The buyer called SEVENTEEN TIMES in one day, which tells this court they had the energy to harass a call center but not the fortitude to write a three-sentence letter about a THROW PILLOW. Judge Escrow himself once purchased a decorative ottoman during escrow and nothing happened because he paid cash like a CIVILIZED PERSON. The real crime here is that somewhere in America, a perfectly serviceable throw pillow sits in a home that isn't the one it was destined for, and that kind of textile tragedy keeps this court up at night. You are hereby ordered to laminate your new closing checklist and present it to every buyer while maintaining unbroken eye contact. This court needs to lie down.
Pillow Talk Collapse
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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