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CONFESSION #0122 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Friday, July 11, 2025
I had a buyer and seller who agreed on everything. Price, closing date, repairs, all of it. We were two weeks from closing and I was already mentally spending my commission. Then the buyer's agent calls me and says her client wants to back out because during the final walkthrough, she noticed the sellers had removed a decorative wreath from the front door. A wreath. That was never in the contract. That the sellers owned. That they bought at Target three years ago. The buyer said it "changed the whole energy of the home" and she no longer felt "welcomed by the space." I spent forty-five minutes on the phone explaining that wreaths are personal property. Her agent spent another hour. The seller offered to BUY HER A NEW WREATH. Didn't matter. She walked away and forfeited her earnest money over a $24 circle of fake eucalyptus. I've been in this business nine years and I still can't tell this story without my eye twitching. The sellers relisted, sold it in a week, and the new buyers didn't even use the front door.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF WITNESSING BOTANICAL HYSTERIA AND SUFFERING PSYCHOLOGICAL WREATH DAMAGE
This Court has presided over many travesties, but NEVER has Judge Escrow been forced to confront the spiritual terrorism of a missing Target eucalyptus arrangement. The confessing agent did nothing wrong, yet stands before this bench clearly broken, eye twitching like a man who has gazed into the abyss and watched it haggle over door décor. The buyer who forfeited actual currency over what this Court can only describe as a SEASONAL GARNISH is hereby banned from all future real estate transactions until she completes a 200-hour course on the difference between personal property and cosmic energy portals. The seller who offered to purchase a replacement wreath showed the patience of a saint and Judge Escrow would like to shake their hand. That the new buyers don't even use the front door is the kind of poetic justice that makes this Court believe, briefly, in a higher power. I need to lie down.
Eucalyptus Psychosis
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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