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CONFESSION #0127 — SELLER MELTDOWN
Wednesday, July 16, 2025
I had a seller who decided, two days before closing, that she couldn't part with the house because she'd just realized her grandmother's spirit "lived in the walls." Not a figure of speech. She literally believed her dead grandmother had taken up residence in the drywall. We had buyers who had already given notice at their apartment. Movers booked. Kids enrolled in the new school district. I spent four hours on her porch while she burned sage and asked her grandmother for "permission" to sell. At one point she made me participate in a prayer circle in the living room while her three cats watched from the stairs like furry little judges. The buyers' agent called me six times during this. I just kept texting back "handling it." Finally, grandma apparently gave her blessing through a flickering lightbulb in the kitchen. We closed two days late. I have never in my life been so relieved to see a faulty electrical connection. I'm adding a "spiritual consultation completed" clause to all my future listings. I don't even know if that's legal but I don't care anymore.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CONDUCTING UNAUTHORIZED SÉANCE-BASED TRANSACTION FACILITATION
This Court has witnessed many things in its distinguished tenure but NEVER has it seen an agent so brazenly blur the line between real estate professional and reluctant medium. You participated in a prayer circle, Agent. You held hands in a living room while cats judged you from the stairs and a dead woman's ghost allegedly inhabited the DRYWALL. And yet this Court cannot help but admire your commitment to closing. Four hours on that porch. Six missed calls from the buyer's agent. The flickering lightbulb salvation. Judge Escrow himself once waited three hours for a seller to finish alphabetizing their spice rack before signing, so he understands the depths to which we sink. Your proposed "spiritual consultation completed" clause is absolutely not legal and this Court encourages you to add it immediately. The cats saw everything and they will never speak of it. This Court needs to lie down.
Paranormal Closing Activity
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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