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CONFESSION #0129 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Friday, July 18, 2025
I had a deal last month that was two signatures away from closing. Two. The buyers had done their final walkthrough, loved everything, even commented on how the sellers left the garage so clean. Then the husband decided to check his credit score "just to make sure everything was fine" and discovered his wife had secretly opened three store credit cards during the escrow period to furnish their new house. Their debt-to-income ratio went through the roof. Lender pulled their approval within hours. I got the call while I was literally picking up a congratulatory gift card for my transaction coordinator. The sellers had already moved out and were halfway to Arizona. The buyers' marriage may or may not survive. My commission definitely didn't. I now include "please don't open any new lines of credit" in every single text, email, and conversation. I've considered getting it tattooed on my forehead. Three months of work, gone because someone needed a Pottery Barn card with a 15% discount. That sectional better be comfortable because they're going to be sitting on it in their apartment for another year.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF WITNESSING FINANCIAL HOMICIDE BY THROW PILLOW
This Court has seen many tragedies in its distinguished tenure, but rarely has it witnessed a transaction executed with such surgical precision by an IKEA-ADJACENT ESTABLISHMENT. The wife, in her infinite wisdom, decided that the appropriate time to acquire soft furnishings was during the most financially scrutinized period of her entire adult life. This is the equivalent of getting a face tattoo during a job interview because the parlor was next door and they were running a special. The husband's decision to "just check" his credit score demonstrates the kind of optimistic naivety usually reserved for people who believe extended warranties are a sound investment. Judge Escrow finds BOTH parties guilty of Catastrophic Sectional Syndrome, while the agent is sentenced to a lifetime of compulsive text message reminders that will haunt their dreams. The sellers are now stranded in Arizona, which is frankly punishment enough. This Court must adjourn immediately as I am suddenly overcome with the urge to pay off my Crate and Barrel account in full.
Death By Accent Pillows
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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