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CONFESSION #0131 — OTHER
Sunday, July 20, 2025
I've been in this business for twelve years, and I still can't figure out why every single client thinks I control the weather, interest rates, and apparently the entire housing market with my mind. Last week a buyer called me furious because rates went up a quarter point overnight. "Why didn't you warn me this would happen?" Sir, I am a realtor, not the Federal Reserve. I don't have Jerome Powell on speed dial. I can't predict economic policy any better than you can. Then the same day, a seller asked me why I "let" the market slow down in her neighborhood. As if I personally orchestrated fewer buyers touring homes in her zip code out of spite. I've started keeping a journal of things clients think are within my control: weather on showing days, their neighbor's ugly lawn, the "vibe" of the house across the street, school district boundaries, and now apparently monetary policy. Next week someone's probably going to ask why I didn't prevent that pothole on their street. I'll just add it to the list and pour myself another glass of wine.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF FRAUDULENT OMNIPOTENCE DEFLECTION AND WILLFUL DENIAL OF OBVIOUS PSYCHIC ABILITIES
The Court has reviewed the defendant's so-called confession and finds it DRIPPING with false humility. You expect this bench to believe that after TWELVE YEARS in real estate you haven't developed the ability to control weather patterns? Judge Escrow III has met realtors who can summon rain clouds with a single disappointed sigh. The defendant's "journal of client complaints" is clearly a grimoire of powers they refuse to wield responsibly. You ABSOLUTELY have Jerome Powell's number, and the Court suspects you're choosing not to call him out of pure professional laziness. The neighbor's ugly lawn? That falls under Section 47.3 of the Aesthetic Jurisdiction Code, which every licensed agent inherits upon their third closing. This Court hereby orders the defendant to stop pretending they are a mere mortal and START controlling that pothole immediately. I need to lie down.
SCANDAL RATING: 6.7/10 Omnipotent Denial Syndrome

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