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CONFESSION #0152 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Sunday, August 10, 2025
I had a buyer and seller who actually liked each other. I know, rare. We negotiated a fair price, inspections went smoothly, appraisal came in fine. I was already mentally spending my commission.
Then three days before closing, the buyer's lender calls. Turns out my buyer decided that the week before closing was the perfect time to finance a $47,000 pickup truck. Just walked into a dealership and signed papers like his debt-to-income ratio was someone else's problem.
The loan fell through instantly. The seller was furious. I had to make that call explaining that we lost the deal because a grown adult couldn't wait ten more days to buy a truck he'd been living without his entire life.
The best part? He called me two weeks later asking if I could help him find a cheaper house now that his budget had changed. Sir, your budget changed because YOU changed it. I told him I was "focusing on other clients" which is code for "I cannot emotionally survive working with you again."
That truck better be incredible. I hope he loves it more than homeownership.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF VEHICULAR SELF-SABOTAGE IN THE FIRST DEGREE
This Court has witnessed many forms of financial self-destruction, but rarely has it seen a man so thoroughly defeated by his own masculinity and a V8 engine. The defendant—and make no mistake, your BUYER is the defendant here—committed what this Court can only describe as debt-to-income RATIO TREASON. Three days. THREE DAYS. This man looked at the finish line of homeownership and said "but what if I showed up in something with chrome accents?" The confession holder is hereby ABSOLVED of all wrongdoing, having been victimized by a client whose impulse control apparently left the dealership before he did. Judge Escrow III has seen truck commercials. Judge Escrow III understands they feature men conquering mountains. But mountains do not require mortgage approval, and this fool now owns neither. The audacity to call back requesting assistance finding a "cheaper house" has rendered this Court temporarily speechless, which I assure you is a medical impossibility. I need to lie down.
Loan Ranger Gone Rogue
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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