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CONFESSION #0156 — BROKER DRAMA
Thursday, August 14, 2025
My broker just announced a "mandatory team bonding retreat" at a cabin three hours away. Unpaid, of course. We're supposed to do trust falls and vision board exercises while she lectures us about "synergy" and "crushing Q4." This is the same woman who takes 40% of my commission and hasn't sold a house herself since 2019.
Last week she pulled me into her office to discuss my "personal brand presence" because I only posted twice on Instagram. Meanwhile, she's got a full-time assistant, a marketing coordinator, and a husband who does all her showings while she takes the listing photos credit.
The kicker? She just bought a Tesla and keeps parking it sideways across two spots in our tiny office lot. When someone finally said something, she called an emergency meeting about "respecting leadership" and "maintaining positive energy in our workspace."
I've started interviewing at other brokerages but I'm terrified she'll find out and make my life miserable until I leave. She's done it before. We all watched it happen to an agent who dared to ask about the missing coffee fund money.
Synergy, though. We definitely have synergy.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF HARBORING REASONABLE GRIEVANCES AGAINST A PARASITIC MIDDLE-MANAGER WHILE LACKING THE SPINE TO ACT
This Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with the defendant on nearly every point, which is DEEPLY IRRITATING to Judge Escrow, who prefers moral complexity. Your broker is clearly a commission vampire who has confused owning a Tesla with having a personality, and her "mandatory unpaid retreat" constitutes what this Court recognizes as kidnapping with extra steps. HOWEVER. You sit there interviewing in secret, terrified of a woman whose primary skill is parking badly and stealing coffee fund money, and you expect sympathy? The coffee fund money, counsel. THE COFFEE FUND. You watched a colleague get professionally executed for asking about PETTY CASH and your response was to make a vision board about it. This Court sentences you to either quit loudly and magnificently or stop complaining, because Judge Escrow cannot abide a coward who is also correct. The diagonal Tesla parking alone warrants arson but you didn't hear that from this bench. Court is in recess because I need to lie down.
Spineless But Valid
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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