This Court has witnessed many horrors in its distinguished tenure, but FORTY-SEVEN PROPERTIES ranked on TWENTY-THREE CRITERIA only to be undone by a sister with a Zillow account and dreams of preserving FRUIT? The defendant has been held hostage by people who treat home-buying like a doctoral thesis defense, and this Court finds their suffering both profound and entirely self-inflicted for not fleeing after property twelve. The addition of "must not smell weird" to the criteria list suggests these buyers will next require homes certified free of ghosts, bad vibes, and neighbors who make eye contact. Judge Escrow III himself once showed a property near a rendering plant and simply told the buyers it was "artisanal air" - THIS is salesmanship. The wine in the car is not unprofessional; it is SURVIVAL. This Court sentences the canning wife to eat exclusively store-bought preserves for one calendar year while the defendant is granted a restraining order against all matching leather journals.