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CONFESSION #0163 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Thursday, August 21, 2025
I spent two months working with a buyer who rejected every single house because of the neighbors. Not because she met them. Not because they were loud or had issues. She would sit in her car outside each property for twenty minutes "observing the energy of the street" and then tell me she couldn't live next to people who clearly didn't maintain their lawn edges properly or had the wrong color trash bins. We finally found a house she loved. Perfect layout, updated kitchen, huge backyard, great price. She was ready to make an offer. Then she noticed the neighbor had a basketball hoop in their driveway. "Children," she said, like she was identifying a pest infestation. I reminded her she told me she wanted a family-friendly neighborhood. She said she wanted families who kept their children indoors and invisible, like in the 1950s. She's now on her third agent. I know because two of them have called me asking what they're dealing with. I just laughed and wished them luck.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL ABANDONMENT OF A FELLOW AGENT TO THE LAWN-EDGE INSPECTOR
This Court has witnessed many horrors in its distinguished tenure, but the image of a grown woman surveilling trash bin colors from her vehicle like some sort of HOA assassin will haunt Judge Escrow's dreams for WEEKS. The defendant claims innocence, yet when fellow agents called seeking guidance, they offered only laughter and fled into the night like a coward abandoning soldiers on a battlefield of beige siding and regulation-height grass. You KNEW what she was. You knew about the energy observations. You knew about her vision of silent indoor children arranged like Victorian furniture, and you said NOTHING of substance. Those agents deserved tactical intelligence, not your cackling retreat. The Court notes with grave concern that this buyer remains at large, presumably still idling outside properties and judging the spiritual frequency of garden hoses. This Court must adjourn immediately as Judge Escrow has developed a sudden and acute sensitivity to the phrase "lawn edges."
SCANDAL RATING: 7.2/10 Neighborly Negligence

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