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CONFESSION #0167 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Monday, August 25, 2025
Had a deal under contract for six weeks. Inspection went fine, appraisal came in at value, loan was clear to close. We're literally scheduled to sign final documents on Friday morning.
Thursday night at 9:47 PM, my buyer texts me a screenshot from Google Earth dated 2019 showing a trampoline in the neighbor's backyard. There's no trampoline there now. Hasn't been one for years according to the seller. But my buyer is now convinced the neighbors "have kids who will be loud" and wants to back out.
I called her. I explained that trampolines get thrown away, kids grow up, families move. She said she "didn't want to take the risk."
She forfeited her earnest money. Three thousand dollars. Because of a trampoline that no longer exists in a photo taken during the Obama administration.
The seller relisted out of pure frustration and went with another agent. I made exactly zero dollars after six weeks of work and roughly 200 text messages.
I now have a recurring nightmare about bounce houses. My therapist says that's "not surprising."
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF TEMPORAL TRAMPOLINE TRAUMA IN THE FIRST DEGREE
This Court has witnessed many things in its distinguished tenure, but never has it seen a transaction murdered by ARCHAEOLOGICAL BOUNCE EQUIPMENT. The buyer in question conducted what can only be described as satellite reconnaissance on a home she was already purchasing, as if preparing for invasion rather than habitation. Judge Escrow must note that children, like trampolines, are temporary conditions, and yet this buyer treated a 2019 Google Earth image as if it were a prophecy carved in stone by vengeful suburban oracles. You, Agent, are guilty only of representing a person who believes that historical playground equipment creates permanent acoustic disturbances across the space-time continuum. Three thousand dollars forfeited over a phantom trampoline is not a real estate decision, it is a cry for help that this Court is not qualified to answer. The Court must now adjourn because Judge Escrow has developed a sudden and violent aversion to the word "bounce."
Spectral Trampoline Syndrome
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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