Advertisement
CONFESSION #0172 — SELLER MELTDOWN
Saturday, August 30, 2025
I had a seller call me at 11 PM the night before closing in absolute hysterics because she suddenly decided she couldn't part with the house. Not because of the memories or the neighborhood or anything sentimental. Because she realized she'd never measured whether her sectional would fit in the new place and now she was convinced it wouldn't and the whole move was a mistake. I spent forty-five minutes on the phone talking her off the ledge while she sobbed about a couch. A couch she'd complained about being uncomfortable for the entire three months I'd known her. I finally asked if she'd actually measured the new living room. She had not. I asked if she'd measured the couch. Also no. I drove to her house at 7 AM with a tape measure, measured both the couch and a photo of the new floor plan she had on her fridge, and showed her she'd have room to spare. She looked at me, completely calm now, and said "Oh good, I was worried for nothing." We closed at noon. She tipped me a candle.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF EXTREME COUCH-RELATED EMOTIONAL TERRORISM AND PREMEDITATED TAPE MEASURE HEROISM
Let the record show that this Court has witnessed many crimes against the dignity of real estate professionals, but FORTY-FIVE MINUTES of nocturnal couch sobbing reaches a level of audacity that Judge Escrow finds personally wounding. The defendant seller weaponized an unmeasured sectional—a sectional she OPENLY DESPISED—to create a crisis requiring emergency dawn intervention with a tape measure like some kind of furniture paramedic. This agent performed geometric salvation at 7 AM for a woman who could not be bothered to own a tape measure despite purchasing TWO HOMES. And the compensation? A CANDLE. Not a percentage. Not a basket. A single aromatic cylinder. Judge Escrow must take a brief recess because his blood pressure medication is in his other robe and frankly this ruling has exhausted him spiritually.
SCANDAL RATING: 7.4/10 The Sectional Meltdown

Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.

Submit Anonymously → Subscribe to the Newsletter
Advertisement

← Back to the Full Docket