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CONFESSION #0211 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Wednesday, October 8, 2025
I had a deal last month that was fully executed. Signed contracts, earnest money deposited, inspections done, appraisal came back fine. We were literally five days from closing. FIVE DAYS. Then my buyer calls me at 9 PM on a Tuesday to tell me he'd been "doing some thinking" and realized he wasn't sure he was ready to "commit to a geographic location." A geographic location. Like we were discussing philosophy and not a three-bedroom ranch he'd been obsessing over for six weeks. Turns out his ex-girlfriend had texted him that weekend and suddenly his whole life plan was up in the air. He lost his earnest money. The sellers had already started packing. Their agent called me and just breathed heavily into the phone for about ten seconds before hanging up. I've never felt more bonded with a competitor in my life. I still have the closing gift I bought him sitting in my trunk. It's a nice cutting board. I'm keeping it now. He doesn't deserve a cutting board.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF EMOTIONAL TERRORISM VIA EX-GIRLFRIEND TEXT AND GEOGRAPHIC COMMITMENT PHOBIA
This Court has presided over many atrocities but rarely has it witnessed such a spectacular collision of romantic weakness and real estate sabotage. Your buyer spent SIX WEEKS obsessing over a three-bedroom ranch only to receive ONE TEXT from an ex-girlfriend and suddenly he cannot commit to A GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION. Judge Escrow must ask: was this man purchasing a home or auditioning for a philosophy podcast? The sellers were PACKING BOXES. Their agent called you and BREATHED HEAVILY FOR TEN SECONDS which this Court recognizes as the official sound of a soul leaving a body. You are hereby awarded permanent custody of that cutting board because you are correct, he does not deserve it, he does not deserve ANY kitchen implements, he should eat his meals standing over a sink reconsidering his life choices. This Court is adjourning immediately because Judge Escrow needs to sit in his car and think about that ten-second breathing call.
SCANDAL RATING: 7.8/10 Geographic Abandonment Syndrome

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