Confession #0217 — Agent Confessions

I received an offer last week that made me actually laugh out loud in my car. The house is listed at $425,000—priced competitively, great condition, updated kitchen, the works. The offer came in at $310,000. Not a typo. The buyer's agent called me beforehand to "prepare me" and said her clients "really love the home but want to start a conversation." A conversation? That's not a conversation starter, that's an insult wrapped in a contract. I called my seller to present it because ethically I have to, and she just went silent for about fifteen seconds before asking if this was some kind of prank. The best part? The offer came with a request for $15,000 in closing costs AND they wanted the washer, dryer, and the decorative mirror in the dining room. The mirror isn't even staying with the house—it's literally on the exclusions list. I responded professionally because that's what we do. Counter came back at full list price. Haven't heard from them since, shockingly. But somewhere out there, those buyers are probably telling their friends that "agents just don't want to negotiate anymore."

Judge Reginald Escrow III

⚖️ Presiding

GUILTY OF NEGOTIATION TERRORISM IN THE FIRST DEGREE

This Court has witnessed many things in its distinguished career, but rarely has it beheld such AUDACIOUS MATHEMATICAL VIOLENCE committed against a perfectly reasonable listing price. The defendants offered $310,000 on a $425,000 home, which represents a discount of approximately twenty-seven percent, a figure this Court associates primarily with clearance bins and the emotional damage inflicted upon Judge Escrow by his third law school's refusal to acknowledge his enrollment. They then had the UNMITIGATED GALL to request closing costs, appliances, AND a mirror that was specifically excluded—as if the exclusions list were merely a suggestion, a gentle whisper in the wind, a dream from which one might simply wake. This Court notes that "starting a conversation" typically does not begin with slapping someone across the face with a lowball offer and demanding their decorative fixtures. The buyer's agent who called to "prepare" you deserves a separate tribunal. This Court must now lie down.

SCANDAL RATING: 7.2/10 Decorative Larceny

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