This court has seen many things in its distinguished tenure but NEVER has it witnessed such blatant persecution of a garden gnome whose only crime was existing with whimsy. The wife in question has committed what Judge Escrow recognizes as Serial Nitpickery in the First Degree, a condition so severe that this court suspects she would reject the Garden of Eden because the serpent gave off "middle management vibes." You, confessor, are guilty of enabling this madness for THREE WEEKS when any reasonable agent would have faked their own death by week two. The passive-aggressive doorbell comment haunts this court because Judge Escrow once had a doorbell that DEFINITELY judged him and he replaced it with a knocker shaped like a lion which he now suspects resents him. The switch to oat milk lattes as a coping mechanism is perhaps the most devastating detail because it suggests you have lost all sense of proportion and possibly your will to live. This court sentences you to show this woman one final property: a empty lot with nothing on it, and watch her reject it because the dirt "seems smug."