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CONFESSION #0236 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Sunday, November 2, 2025
I spent four months working with a couple who insisted they wanted a "fixer-upper" to "make it their own." Every single house I showed them, they'd walk through pointing out all the work it needed like I hadn't heard them say that's what they wanted. "Oh, the kitchen is dated." Yes. That's why it's priced forty thousand under market. "The bathrooms need work." I know. You told me you wanted to renovate. Finally found them the perfect project house, great bones, huge lot, well under budget so they'd have cash left over for renovations. They passed because, and I quote, "it needs too much work." They ended up buying new construction for a hundred and fifty thousand more than their original budget. The husband emailed me last month asking if I could recommend a contractor because their new house "doesn't have enough character." I stared at that email for ten minutes before closing my laptop and pouring myself a drink at two in the afternoon.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED CLIENT CONTRADICTION IN THE FIRST DEGREE
This Court has witnessed many abominations in its distinguished tenure but RARELY has it encountered such a flagrant assault on the very concept of words meaning things. The defendants sought a fixer-upper then recoiled from fixing and also from upping. They demanded character then purchased a home with the architectural personality of a beige envelope. And NOW they seek contractor recommendations as if they did not PERSONALLY REJECT the opportunity to employ such contractors four months prior. The audacity. THE SHEER AUDACITY. This Court sentences the husband to receive that contractor recommendation but only after the agent has written and deleted seventeen increasingly unhinged draft responses. The Court further notes that a two PM drink was not only justified but arguably MEDICALLY NECESSARY and frankly this Court is joining you. I need to lie down.
Chronic Renovation Reversal Syndrome
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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