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CONFESSION #0240 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Thursday, November 6, 2025
I had a deal last month that I still can't talk about without my eye twitching. Buyers were pre-approved, motivated, found their dream home in week two. Seller accepted our offer over three others because we had the cleanest terms. I'm thinking this is it, this is the one that goes smooth.
Then the buyer's cousin visited from out of state. One barbecue. One single family barbecue where this cousin, who I'm told "flips houses sometimes," walked through and declared the foundation was "probably compromised" because he didn't like the sound his footsteps made on the basement floor. Not a crack. Not a visible issue. The sound of his footsteps.
Buyers got spooked. Wanted a structural engineer out there within 48 hours or they were walking. Seller was insulted and refused to extend the inspection period. I spent three days trying to find a middle ground while cousin kept texting them articles about foundation repairs costing six figures.
They walked. The house sold to someone else two weeks later for $15K more than our offer.
I hope that cousin's flight home got delayed.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF PERMITTING UNLICENSED ACOUSTIC FOUNDATION ANALYSIS TO DESTROY A PERFECTLY GOOD TRANSACTION
This Court has witnessed many horrors in its distinguished career, but the introduction of FOOTSTEP VIBES as a legitimate structural assessment methodology represents a new low in American real estate jurisprudence. The defendant stood idly by while a man whose credentials consist entirely of "flipping houses sometimes" condemned a foundation based on, and I must adjust my reading glasses here, THE SOUND HIS FEET MADE. This Court has consulted with the National Association of People Who Walk On Floors, and they confirm that basements sound like basements because they are basements. The cousin's subsequent text message campaign of foundation horror stories constitutes what this Court formally recognizes as "terroristic link-sharing." Judge Escrow himself once had an uncle who declared a house haunted because the refrigerator hummed in B-flat, and that uncle is no longer invited to Judge Escrow's home. The defendant's closing wish regarding flight delays is granted; this Court has no jurisdiction over airlines but we do have DREAMS.
Cousin Chaos Doctrine
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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