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CONFESSION #0246 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Wednesday, November 12, 2025
I showed a buyer 27 houses over three months. Twenty-seven. He rejected every single one for increasingly unhinged reasons. Too close to a fire hydrant. The neighbor's car was "suspicious looking." One house had a ceiling fan he said was spinning "aggressively." Finally, he finds THE ONE. Perfect match, under budget, checks every box. I write the offer at 9 PM on a Friday, submit it, and we're in a multiple offer situation but looking strong. Saturday morning he texts me: "Actually, I drove by at 6 AM and saw a jogger. I don't want to live somewhere with joggers." I reminded him that joggers exist everywhere. He said, and I quote, "Not if you pick the right neighborhood." He's now asked me to specifically search for "anti-jogger communities." I don't even know what that means. I've started telling people I work in insurance because it's easier than explaining that my actual job is arguing with a grown man about the constitutional rights of people who exercise outdoors.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF ABANDONING CLIENT IN PURSUIT OF CARDIO-FREE UTOPIA
This Court has reviewed the evidence and finds the accused agent GUILTY of professional desertion in the face of what can only be described as ambulatory persecution paranoia. Twenty-seven houses, counselor. TWENTY-SEVEN. You were THIS CLOSE to liberation and you folded because a man in moisture-wicking fabric had the AUDACITY to maintain his cardiovascular health on a public street. The Court notes that "anti-jogger communities" do exist—they are called "prisons" and "the bottom of the ocean"—neither of which are currently listed on the MLS. Your client is not entirely wrong; joggers ARE suspicious, what with their deliberate breathing and their smug little waves, but that is a matter for Congress, not this Court. Judge Escrow himself once refused to purchase a condominium because he witnessed a man doing lunges in the parking lot, so perhaps the Court understands more than it should. You will return to your post IMMEDIATELY and begin researching gated communities with aggressive "no athletic activity" HOA bylaws. This Court is adjourned because I need to sit down.
SCANDAL RATING: 7.4/10 Cardiovascular Abandonment

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