This court has seen many things in its distinguished tenure, but rarely has it witnessed such a complete psychological surrender to a device that costs less than a nice dinner for two. The accused has allowed a BROTHER MFC-L2710DW—a printer whose name sounds like a filing code for a particularly boring government form—to become their primary emotional antagonist. This court notes with grave concern that the accused is paying a licensed therapist to discuss what is essentially a box that makes paper warm. The Pavlovian response is particularly damning; this agent has been conditioned like a laboratory beagle, except instead of salivating for treats, they experience cardiac events at the sound of mechanical whirring. Judge Escrow himself once had a fax machine that he suspected was plotting against him, but he had the DIGNITY to throw it into a retention pond and never speak of it again. The accused's dreams of paper trays suggest a mind that has been fully colonized by HP-compatible nightmares. This court orders the immediate destruction of the Brother MFC-L2710DW and strongly recommends the accused simply hand-deliver all documents on horseback like a professional.