This Court has witnessed many things in its distinguished career but RARELY has it seen such a flagrant case of decorative hardware hostage negotiation. The defendant enabled a grown adult to weaponize basic chrome rods from Home Depot, rods which THIS COURT NOTES the defendant personally selected during staging, meaning the defendant knew from the beginning these items possessed all the sentimental value of a gas station receipt. Forty-five minutes. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES of telephonic therapy over thirty-dollar merchandise while a $380,000 transaction hung in the balance like a condemned man awaiting the governor's call. The defendant then, with full knowledge of the fraud being perpetrated, conveyed claims of "custom craftsmanship" and "sentimental value" to opposing counsel, making them an accomplice to what Judge Escrow can only describe as interior design perjury. That the buyers capitulated does not absolve the defendant but rather indicts the entire system in which we operate. This Court requires a brief recess to inspect its own curtain rods for signs of emotional attachment.