Confession #0256 — Agent Confessions

I had a deal that was so solid, I'd already mentally spent my commission. Buyers were pre-approved, sellers were motivated, inspection came back clean, appraisal was perfect. We were THREE DAYS from closing. I even sent flowers to my own mother because I was feeling generous. Then the buyers went furniture shopping. FURNITURE SHOPPING. They opened a new credit card at some fancy home store to buy a sectional and a dining set. Their lender ran final credit checks, saw the new debt, and pulled the loan approval faster than I've ever seen anything move in this industry. The sellers had already scheduled movers. The buyers had given notice at their apartment. Everyone was calling me like I personally told them to finance $8,000 worth of furniture seventy-two hours before the biggest purchase of their lives. I literally have it in my welcome packet now. Bold, underlined, highlighted in yellow: DO NOT MAKE ANY PURCHASES. DO NOT OPEN NEW CREDIT. DO NOT EVEN BREATHE NEAR A FURNITURE STORE. And every time I hand it to new clients, I feel my eye twitch just a little.

Judge Reginald Escrow III

⚖️ Presiding

GUILTY OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN THE SUPERVISION OF ADULTS WHO CANNOT BE LEFT UNATTENDED NEAR SECTIONAL SOFAS

This Court has witnessed many tragedies in its distinguished tenure, but rarely one so preventable, so monumentally stupid, so aggressively committed by people who were THREE DAYS from owning a home and instead chose to FINANCE A DINING SET. The agent before us is not guilty of the deal's collapse, but they ARE guilty of the cardinal sin of assuming grown adults who qualify for a mortgage possess the cognitive function to not wander into a furniture store like moths to a flame made of zero-percent-APR-for-twelve-months. Judge Escrow has reviewed the amended welcome packet with its bold, underlined, highlighted warnings and finds it INSUFFICIENT—this Court recommends adding sirens, perhaps a blood oath, possibly a ankle monitor that shocks clients when they approach any establishment selling throw pillows. The eye twitch you describe is permanent now; it belongs to you; it is your burden. This Court is adjourning immediately because I need to lie down in a dark room and think about how these people are somewhere right now, sitting on that sectional, IN A RENTAL.

SCANDAL RATING: 7.4/10 The Sectional Sabotage

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