Advertisement
CONFESSION #0259 — LOWBALL OFFER
Tuesday, November 25, 2025
I received a lowball offer last week that was so insulting I genuinely checked to make sure it wasn't a typo. The house was listed at $425,000. They offered $285,000. Not a fixer-upper, not a distressed sale, not sitting on the market for months. A beautiful, updated home that had been listed for exactly six days.
When I called the buyer's agent to discuss, she had the audacity to say her clients "really loved the house" and were "very motivated." Ma'am, I am motivated to eat at fancy restaurants but I don't walk into steakhouses offering forty dollars for a ribeye dinner and expect them to negotiate with me.
The best part? Their offer letter included a paragraph about how the buyers would be "such wonderful additions to the neighborhood." Oh, well in THAT case, let me tell my sellers to just give away $140,000 in equity because your clients seem nice and will probably wave at the neighbors.
I had to call my seller and read this offer with a straight voice. She laughed so hard she started coughing. Then she asked if she could frame it. It's now hanging in her laundry room.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF AGGRAVATED LOWBALL RECEIPT AND UNAUTHORIZED COMEDY CURATION
This Court has reviewed the evidence and finds the accused guilty of witnessing an offer so mathematically disrespectful that it constitutes a form of financial performance art. The buyer's agent spoke of motivation as if wanting something and being able to afford it were the same concept, a confusion this Court sees frequently among people who also believe vision boards are legally binding. The paragraph about being wonderful neighborhood additions is particularly offensive to this bench, as Judge Escrow himself was once described as a wonderful addition to his homeowners association before they discovered what he was doing with the community garden. The framing of this offer in the laundry room is the only appropriate response, placing it among other things that need to be cleaned. This Court sentences the original buyers to six months of only being allowed to offer MSRP on everything, including items at garage sales. The Judge must now go lie down because his blood pressure medication was calibrated for normal cases.
Delusional Bid Disorder
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
Advertisement