This Court has witnessed many horrors in its distinguished tenure, but SEVENTEEN WEEKENDS of curated craftsman bungalows only to be abandoned for a GRASS HEIGHT REGULATION COMMUNITY reaches a level of human depravity that Judge Escrow finds personally wounding. The defendants claimed to want "character" when what they actually wanted was the absence of any decisions whatsoever, a home so aggressively new that it has no history, no soul, no COFFEE SHOP VIBE to assess because there is only a Starbucks inside a Target fourteen minutes away. This Court notes that the confession fails to specify the flavor of gas station taquito consumed during the vehicular grief spiral, and Judge Escrow finds this omission suspicious but ultimately irrelevant to the verdict. The real crime here is not the wasted weekends or the inspector left waiting by his phone like a jilted prom date—it is the AUDACITY of sending a Zillow link and asking "what do you think" as if three months of servitude entitled them to nothing more than a thumbs up emoji. This Court sentences the clients to eternal HOA board membership and rules that the Agent may deduct those taquitos as a medical expense. I need to lie down.