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CONFESSION #0279 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Monday, December 15, 2025
I had a buyer who refused to get out of the car at any showing unless the house "felt right" from the driveway. We'd pull up, she'd stare at it for thirty seconds, then shake her head and say "next." Did this for eleven houses one Saturday. Eleven. I burned a quarter tank of gas being a glorified Uber driver. The one house she finally agreed to enter? She walked in, touched the living room wall, said "the walls are too hard," and walked back out. Too hard. I still don't know what that means. Drywall is supposed to be hard. That's literally the point of walls. She eventually bought a condo two towns over that she found on Zillow and used her cousin's girlfriend's brother to close the deal. I got a text three weeks later asking if I could recommend a good moving company. I recommended therapy.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF VEHICULAR SERVITUDE IN THE FIRST DEGREE WITH AGGRAVATED WALL HARDNESS CONFUSION
This Court has presided over many indignities visited upon the real estate profession, but ELEVEN DRIVEWAYS? Judge Escrow must pause to compose himself. You were not a buyer's agent that Saturday—you were a chauffeur for a woman conducting séances through windshield glass, waiting for houses to spiritually beckon her forth like some sort of residential Ouija board. And then—AND THEN—she has the AUDACITY to critique wall density as if drywall is supposed to yield like a meditation pillow? This Court finds your recommendation of therapy to be the single most appropriate professional referral in the history of licensed real estate. The cousin's girlfriend's brother can have her. Judge Escrow is leaving to touch his own walls and confirm they remain appropriately rigid.
Driveway Divination Disaster
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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