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CONFESSION #0319 — LOWBALL OFFER
Saturday, January 24, 2026
I just submitted an offer for my buyers on a house listed at $425,000. They offered $380,000. I tried to explain comps, market conditions, the fact that this house had twelve showings in two days. They looked at me like I was the one being unreasonable and said, "Well, you never know unless you try."
You know what? Fine. I sent it.
The listing agent called me within an hour, laughing. Actually laughing. She said the sellers were "personally offended" and wouldn't even counter. My buyers were shocked. Shocked! As if offering forty-five thousand below asking in this market was some kind of savvy negotiation tactic they read about on TikTok.
Now they want me to find them "something similar but cheaper." There is nothing similar but cheaper. That's why it was priced at $425,000.
The best part? They told me their cousin just bought a house twenty percent below asking. I asked where. They said Ohio. We're in Colorado.
I'm going to start charging a "lowball processing fee" just for the emotional labor of sending offers I know will get rejected on sight.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF SUBMITTING A TIKTOK-EDUCATED OFFER IN A SERIOUS MARKET
This Court has witnessed many offenses against the sacred institution of real estate, but submitting an offer forty-five thousand dollars below asking because clients invoked the holy scripture of "you never know unless you try" represents a NEW LOW in professional dignity. The defendant KNEW this offer would be rejected. The defendant SENT IT ANYWAY. The defendant then had to endure a listing agent LAUGHING INTO THE TELEPHONE like some kind of rejection hotline operator. Judge Escrow finds it particularly disturbing that the buyers cited an Ohio transaction as precedent, as if Colorado and Ohio exist in the same economic dimension, which this Court assures you THEY DO NOT. The proposed "lowball processing fee" is not only reasonable but should be MANDATORY and possibly tax-deductible as a mental health expense. This Court is now going to lie down because the phrase "something similar but cheaper" has given it a migraine that no amount of judicial authority can cure.
Ohio Isn't Here
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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