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CONFESSION #0330 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Wednesday, February 4, 2026
I've been working with this buyer for three months who has the most specific list of requirements I've ever seen. Must have a south-facing kitchen window, exactly three bedrooms but one has to be slightly smaller for a "meditation nook," original hardwood floors but only if they're oak not pine, and a garage that fits two cars but not three because "too much space creates negative energy." Fine. I found a place that checked every single box. She walked in, spent forty minutes measuring the meditation room with a tape measure she brought, stood in the kitchen timing how long the sunlight hit the counter, and then turned to me and said, "I'm just not feeling the vibe." The VIBE. I asked what specifically was off and she said the house "smelled like decisions were made here." I have no idea what that means. I'm still showing her houses. Yesterday she rejected one because the doorbell sound was "too urgent." I've started meditation myself. The irony isn't lost on me.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF SPIRITUAL REAL ESTATE MALPRACTICE AND VIBE-BASED SERVITUDE
This Court has reviewed the evidence and finds itself PROFOUNDLY disturbed by the confession before it. You located a property meeting specifications so baroque they could only have been channeled from a fever dream, and yet you continue to serve this woman like some sort of energetic butler. "Smelled like decisions were made here." DECISIONS. The very foundation of human commerce! Judge Escrow must ask: what is a HOUSE if not a monument to decisions? Someone decided to build it. Someone decided to buy it. Someone decided to install that doorbell whose urgency has apparently wounded your client's delicate auditory chakras. The Court notes with grave concern that you have now taken up meditation yourself, which means the corruption is SPREADING. You are not a real estate agent anymore; you are a hostage with a lockbox code. This Court sentences you to immediately find her a house that "smells like no one has ever had a thought" and then ESCAPE while she's measuring the cosmic energy of the coat closet.
Negative Energy Enabler
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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