Advertisement
CONFESSION #0345 — OPEN HOUSE HORROR
Thursday, February 19, 2026
I hosted an open house last Sunday where a woman walked in, immediately asked if I could turn off the "overwhelming energy" in the living room, then proceeded to sage the entire first floor with a bundle she pulled from her purse. While actual potential buyers were trying to tour the home. The sellers had security cameras and called me mid-smudging asking what was happening to their house. Before I could politely escort her out, she cornered a young couple in the kitchen and spent ten minutes explaining that the pantry was positioned in a "wealth-draining corner" and they'd be broke within a year if they bought. They left. Then a guy showed up who I'm pretty sure was just casing the neighborhood, asked zero questions about the house but wanted to know which neighbors traveled frequently. And the cherry on top? Someone used the master bathroom despite the sign, clogged the toilet, and just left. Didn't tell me. The next visitors found it. I sold the house eventually but I aged five years in those four hours.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN THE FIRST DEGREE OF SUPERNATURAL HOME INVASION TOLERANCE
This Court has witnessed many failures of professional stewardship, but allowing a rogue sage-wielder to conduct an UNAUTHORIZED EXORCISM while legitimate buyers attempted to evaluate crown molding is a dereliction of duty that wounds Judge Escrow to his very core. You stood there, presumably holding a stack of listing sheets, while this woman performed ceremonial smoke rituals and TERRORIZED INNOCENTS with pantry-based financial prophecies. The wealth-draining corner speech alone constitutes assault on the American dream of homeownership. Meanwhile, a probable cat burglar conducted reconnaissance operations under your nose, gathering intelligence on neighborhood vacation schedules like some kind of suburban spy, and you did NOTHING. And the toilet situation—this Court cannot even address the toilet situation, as Judge Escrow requires a moment to collect himself. You did not host an open house; you hosted a four-hour fever dream that should be studied by anthropologists.
SCANDAL RATING: 7.8/10 Smudged Beyond Recognition

Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.

Submit Anonymously → Subscribe to the Newsletter
Advertisement

← Back to the Full Docket