Confession #0350 — Agent Confessions

I received a lowball offer last week that genuinely made me wonder if the buyer's agent was okay. The home was listed at $425,000, priced competitively based on three recent comps within a half mile. The offer came in at $310,000. Not a typo. Three hundred and ten thousand dollars. But here's the part that sent me into orbit: the offer letter included a four-page addendum explaining why the home was overpriced, citing "outdated fixtures" and "lack of modern amenities." The house was fully renovated eight months ago. New kitchen, new bathrooms, new HVAC. It literally still smells like fresh paint. I called the buyer's agent to make sure this wasn't some kind of joke. She said, completely seriously, "My clients watch a lot of HGTV and they know what homes should cost." I had to mute myself so she wouldn't hear me laughing. My sellers wanted to counter at full price plus a $5,000 "insult fee." I talked them down to just rejecting it outright. Sometimes I wonder if people think this is a flea market and I'm just standing here waiting for someone to haggle me into oblivion.

Judge Reginald Escrow III

⚖️ Presiding

GUILTY OF WEAPONIZED HOME RENOVATION SHOWS AGAINST INNOCENT LISTING AGENTS

This Court has seen many things in its distinguished tenure, but rarely has it witnessed such a flagrant assault on the concept of numerical literacy. The buyers in question have apparently constructed their entire understanding of real estate economics from a television network whose primary export is couples named Brad and Jennifer arguing about shiplap. A FOUR-PAGE ADDENDUM criticizing a home that still smells like fresh paint? This Court must assume these buyers also return food to restaurants because it doesn't match the commercial photography. The agent's defense—"they watch a lot of HGTV"—will be entered into evidence as Exhibit A in Judge Escrow's forthcoming treatise titled "Why This Court Has Developed A Twitch." Your sellers' proposed $5,000 insult fee was, in fact, UNDERPRICED, and this Court would have accepted nothing less than $12,000 plus a formal written apology addressed to the concept of arithmetic itself. The Court must now adjourn to lie down in a dark room.

SCANDAL RATING: 7.4/10 Televised Delusion Syndrome

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