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CONFESSION #0354 — CLIENT FROM HELL
Saturday, February 28, 2026
I had a buyer tell me their budget was $400,000 firm. Absolutely firm. "Don't even show us anything over $400k," they said. So I spent three weeks curating perfect listings, scheduling showings around their incredibly specific availability windows, and driving them all over the county.
They hated everything. Too small. Too old. Weird layout. Bad vibes. Neighbor's dog looked aggressive.
Then last Tuesday, the wife casually mentions they put an offer on a $625,000 house they found themselves on Zillow. "It just spoke to us," she said. "Sometimes you have to stretch for the right place."
I asked why they didn't mention their budget had flexibility. The husband looked at me like I was the crazy one and said, "Well, we didn't want you showing us expensive houses and trying to upsell us."
They used the listing agent to write the offer. Didn't even give me a heads up until after it was accepted. Three weeks of my life, gone. I sent a congratulations text because I'm a professional, but I definitely screamed into a pillow for a solid minute first.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF PREMEDITATED BUDGET PERJURY AND AGGRAVATED AGENT ABANDONMENT
This Court has witnessed many crimes against the sacred covenant between agent and client, but THIS—this budget chicanery rises to the level of CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS. The defendants stated four hundred thousand dollars FIRM, a word which this Court believed had meaning until this very moment. They weaponized your professionalism, transforming you into an unpaid chauffeur of disappointment while secretly consorting with Zillow like it was some kind of legitimate real estate platform and not a DIGITAL HOUSE HOROSCOPE. The husband's audacity to suggest YOU might upsell THEM while they were already mentally decorating a home fifty-six percent above their stated ceiling—Judge Escrow must take a moment. The pillow scream was not only justified but legally insufficient; this Court would have accepted window screaming, car screaming, or screaming into the void where commission checks should be. You sent a congratulations text because you are a professional, and they accepted it because they are MONSTERS wearing sensible cardigans.
The Zillow Betrayal
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
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