The Court has reviewed this confession with the weariness of a man who has seen too much, and yet somehow not enough. Let Reginald be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR: you sat through a spreadsheet presentation about COFFEE PODS while a $340 water heater threatens to torpedo your closing, and your broker's solution was to invoke the sacred bonds of FAMILY? This Court once had a family, and they never once audited my beverage consumption — they simply left, citing what they called "exhausting formality," which is IRRELEVANT to these proceedings. The salmon incident should have been litigated IMMEDIATELY under the precedent established in In re: That One Microwave, 2019, wherein this Court ruled that reheating fish in shared spaces constitutes olfactory assault in the second degree. Your transfer paperwork is not betrayal — it is SURVIVAL, and the Nespresso distinction is legally significant because Keurig pods are the barn doors of coffee: ubiquitous, overvalued, and beloved only by those who have stopped asking questions. The Court finds your broker guilty of Felony Meeting Malpractice and sentences her to actually manage the transaction coordinator situation instead of whatever THIS was. Case dismissed, and Reginald must now leave because Order the Roomba has entered chambers and appears to be stuck on the power cord again.