Advertisement
CONFESSION #0370 — OPEN HOUSE HORROR
Tuesday, March 17, 2026
Look. I've done maybe 200 open houses in my career. Yesterday was the first time someone's kid found a dead raccoon in the basement. The mom is upstairs asking about the school district and I hear this SCREAM from below and I'm thinking great, the water heater finally gave up, but no. Her seven year old went exploring (which, fine, I should've been watching the stairs better) and there's just... a raccoon. Very dead. Probably got in through that dryer vent I noticed was hanging loose during my preview but didn't think much of. The seller swore the house was "move-in ready" which apparently doesn't include checking for wildlife carcasses. Had to end the open house two hours early. Three couples left immediately. One guy actually laughed which I appreciated. Seller wants to know if we need to disclose this now and I'm like... a child discovered a dead animal in your house during a PUBLIC EVENT so yeah I think that ship has sailed anyway the house still isn't under contract if anyone's interested. Schools really are good though
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN THE SUPERVISION OF BASEMENT ACCESS LEADING TO UNAUTHORIZED WILDLIFE DISCOVERY BY A MINOR
The Court is APPALLED but frankly unsurprised that an agent who casually observed a "loose dryer vent" during preview—A LITERAL PORTAL TO THE ANIMAL KINGDOM—simply filed this information under "not my problem" like some kind of HVAC nihilist. Reginald himself once discovered a family of possums living in a listing's drop ceiling and did he simply shrug and discuss granite countertops? NO, he called Animal Control, the fire department, and his therapist, IN THAT ORDER. You allowed a CHILD to conduct what amounts to an unsanctioned basement expedition while you were upstairs presumably gesturing at crown molding, and now that child has a core memory involving decomposition and THE SCHOOL DISTRICT BETTER BE SPECTACULAR because that therapy bill is going to be substantial. The one gentleman who laughed is the only person in this entire debacle with appropriate coping mechanisms and The Court hopes he bought the house out of sheer respect for chaos. As for your seller asking about disclosure, I am going to need you to inform them that when a seven-year-old SCREAMS about a raccoon corpse in front of multiple witnesses, you don't "disclose," you simply LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR DRYER VENT HUBRIS. The Court must now adjourn because Order the Roomba has detected something under the bench and Reginald is NOT doing this again.
SCANDAL RATING: 6.2/10 Raccoon Reckoning

Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.

Submit Anonymously → Subscribe to the Newsletter
Advertisement

← Back to the Full Docket