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CONFESSION #0387 — GURU OR COACH NONSENSE
Monday, March 23, 2026
Look, I paid twelve thousand dollars for a coaching program because some guy at a conference told me he went from zero to forty million in volume in eighteen months and all I had to do was follow his seven-step system. The system was: wake up at 4am, do cold calls for three hours, post on social media twice a day using his templates, and attend weekly Zoom calls where he'd read motivational quotes and then try to upsell us on the advanced tier for another eight grand. The templates were all stuff like "thinking about buying or selling? I know a guy" with a picture of yourself pointing at the camera. I did this for four months. I closed one deal. A rental. My split after the coaching payment and desk fees was negative two hundred dollars. When I asked for help on the calls he'd just say I wasn't being consistent enough or I had limiting beliefs. Meanwhile I found his zillow profile and he'd sold like six houses total, three of them to family members. He's still out there. He has a podcast now. I see agents I know signing up. I don't even warn them anymore, honestly... they won't listen anyway.
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Judge Reginald Escrow III
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF VOLUNTARY SUBMISSION TO PREDATORY GURU WORSHIP AND CRIMINAL GULLIBILITY IN THE FIRST DEGREE
The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly, Reginald needs a moment because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COUSIN DEREK WITH THAT TIMESHARE CERTIFICATION PROGRAM. You paid twelve thousand American dollars to a man whose entire sales record could fit on a Post-it note with room left over for a grocery list, and whose family members presumably now hide when they see him at Thanksgiving because he WILL try to list their basement. The seven-step system you describe is not a business model, it is a hostage situation with homework. You woke up at 4am to make cold calls like some sort of CAFFEINATED PENANCE MONK while this charlatan sat on Zoom reading quotes he found by googling "motivation" and counting your money like a villain in a film that would be rated PG for Predatory Guru. The Court cites the landmark case of In re: That Guy From The Conference Who Definitely Rented That Lambo, 2019, in which it was established that anyone who uses the phrase "limiting beliefs" more than twice in a professional setting should be immediately investigated for running a feelings-based Ponzi scheme. That you no longer warn other agents is not apathy, it is the thousand-yard stare of a survivor, and The Court respects your exhaustion even as it condemns your initial credulity. VERDICT RENDERED, and Reginald must now go because Order the Roomba has detected crumbs in the deliberation chamber and justice waits for no one.
SCANDAL RATING: 6.8/10 Guru-Funded Humiliation

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