Advertisement
CONFESSION #0413 — DEAL THAT EXPLODED
Tuesday, March 31, 2026
The deal closed six weeks late. That's not the part that keeps me up at night though (the part that keeps me up is that it closed at all and I still got paid and I'm not sure I deserved it) because what happened was the buyer's lender just vanished, not the company, the actual loan officer, like he stopped returning calls for 12 days and we later found out he'd been fired but nobody told us or the buyer or apparently anyone, so we're sitting there three days before closing and the buyer calls me crying because she can't reach anyone and her rate lock expired and the new rate adds $400 a month to her payment and she's asking me if this is normal and I had to say no this is absolutely not normal while also trying not to say anything that could become a lawsuit later. We got her into a different lender, lost $8,000 in earnest money disputes with the seller who wanted to walk, I personally drove documents to a notary at 9pm on a Tuesday because the new lender's courier didn't show. The seller's agent told me I was "being dramatic" about the timeline and I still think about that sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep.
Advertisement
Judge Reginald Escrow III
⚖️ Presiding
GUILTY OF EXCESSIVE PROFESSIONAL COMPETENCE IN THE FIRST DEGREE WITH AGGRAVATING CIRCUMSTANCES OF EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY
The Court has reviewed this confession and frankly Reginald is APPALLED but not for the reasons you might expect. You drove documents to a notary at 9pm on a Tuesday? You found a replacement lender in what appears to be approximately four minutes? You answered the phone when a buyer called you CRYING? This is not the behavior of a normal real estate agent, this is the behavior of someone who actually CARES, and The Court finds this deeply suspicious because in my experience most agents would have simply changed their phone number and moved to a state without extradition treaties with their MLS. The seller's agent who called you dramatic should be dragged before this bench immediately because I have OPINIONS about people who use the word dramatic as an insult when what they mean is you inconvenienced me by doing your job. I once tried to hold a ceiling fan in contempt for three hours because it wobbled during a showing and THAT was dramatic, what YOU did was called being a professional in an industry that often rewards the opposite. The fact that you feel guilty about getting paid for navigating an absolute circus of institutional failure while personally chauffeuring legal documents like some kind of nocturnal real estate Batman tells The Court everything it needs to know about your character, which is that you have too much of it. VERDICT RENDERED, The Court must now go yell at Order about the dust situation in chambers.
Heroism Most Unnecessary
Have a confession? Judge Reginald Escrow III's docket is always open.
Advertisement